Ties that throttle

Ties that throttle

October 2014

By Mansi Poddar

Are you in an unhealthy relationship? If so, Mansi Poddar guides you to emerge free from it

I believe that love cannot be classified. But attachments can. Healthy and unhealthy. How do we identify, and then break unhealthy attachments?

Settle for nothing less than a healthy and happy relationship

Unhealthy attachments are born from desperation. They do not nourish our souls; instead, they suck our emotional and spiritual energy. Intimate relationships or friendships are particularly liable to toxicity.

John Kim, a psychotherapist, defines unhealthy love as being powerless, selfish and enabling. It has no boundaries. Unhealthy love is immature, irresponsible and dependent. Unhealthy love is urgent. There is a desperation behind it which produces manipulation and compromise of self. Unhealthy love promotes the false self and stunts growth. It is a drug.

On the other hand, a healthy attachment is a secure attachment. We know that the other person is there for us, we know their true self, the good, the bad, the ugly. There is space in the relationship for both authenticity and pain. Love is not conditional, and our humanity is accepted and honored. There is transparency and truth. Trust is built over time; there is respect for one’s emotional, physical and psychological well-being. In a healthy attachment, people grow. It is growth-oriented and freeing. There is a feeling of having come home. Comforting, nurturing, secure, free of suffering, there is open communication, and both people strive for mutual well-being.

Many of us find ourselves in toxic and unhealthy relationships; often we cannot break out of them. Other times, we are left with no choice but to. How do we do this? Especially if it is a love relationship? Former clients of mine, in recovery from breakups, offered these tips.

“It’s important to recognize the truth. To see what kind of relationship you are in.”

“Till you face the hard truth, and stop letting memories define your idea of the relationship, you will never feel better.”

“You have to let time heal the pain.”

“Until I realised how much this was killing me, I couldn’t give it up.”

Toxic relationships have a strange pull. They can be magnetic, passionate even. We keep living in the hope that one day, things will get better, and we will get the love we want.

John Gottman, renowned marriage counsellor, offers parameters for determining whether we are in a healthy or toxic relationship. He says that for every single negative interaction, there should be five positive ones. This keeps a relationship healthy. And the four signs of a toxic relationship is what he calls the four horsemen – defensiveness, criticism, contempt and stonewalling.

Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones to turn toxic and abusive. Friendships, family relationships, relationship with co-workers, can become very unhealthy.

How do we free ourselves?

Firstly, if we do not love and respect ourselves, we will not get them from others. The law of attraction states that like attracts like. I have seen this to be very true.If we have no self-respect, we attract people who do not respect us. Thus, our work begins from within.

Explore and identify

Start a daily journal and delve into the following prompts to discover your self-image, and understand the nature of your relationship:

Who am I?

How would someone describe me?

If I had to give myself a report card what would I

write in it?

What messages about myself/relationships did I grow up with?

What does my family think of me?

Do I like myself?

What kind of relationships have I had with people?

Have I got what I wanted in relationships?

What are my needs in relationships?

Have my needs and desires been met? Do I sacrificeand suffer more than I want to or need to?

Am I happy?

What kind of relationship do I seek? Does my current relationship measure up?

Can I make any changes in my approach?What if I were to stand up for myself, and assert my needs? Will it be met with understanding?

These questions will help you clarify your own self-esteem, understand whether your relationship is unhealthy, figure out what you want, and whether your current relationship meets those needs. This is essential in identifying unhealthy attachments.

Refocus your energies

Such relationships send us on a rollercoaster of emotions, most of them bottled up. Try to refocus. Spend time with your friends, on your body, or career. Take up a new hobby. See how the attachment holds up when you begin to reduce focus on the other person. This is often a good indicator of how healthy it is.

Identify healthy and unhealthy attachments

Speak to people who you feel are in healthy relationships. Inquire into what makes it healthy. How are they relating to one another? Once you reframe your view on healthy relationships, it becomes harder to be in an unhealthy one. Talk to a counsellor if you feel you need to understand the difference, or are trapped in an unhealthy one.

Change the way you think about it

Replace negative thoughts. Recognise, accept and let go of negative fearful thoughts. “I’ll never be in a love relationship.” “Friends aren’t perfect, I must forgive her and let go.” “I deserve this, it’s my fault, I should understand why the other person is behaving this way.”

These thoughts keep us trapped in such relationships. Replace them with “I need not spend my life suffering.” “I deserve more.” “There are people who will meet my needs, and treat me with respect.”

Take responsibility

This is essential. In any relationship, we have to take responsibility. A few years ago, I was in an extremely unhealthy and toxic friendship with a narcissist, who completely disregarded others’ needs. I kept justifying her behavior, finding excuses, and letting myself be put through a lot of sadness and betrayal. I was not taking responsibility for the situation. I kept struggling to make it work, despite knowing this person was highly toxic. Soon, I realised that I was pandering to her narcissism by being so soft, forgiving and unassertive. I took responsibility. I asserted my needs to myself, and then, in a few months, found the courage to let go. I had got myself into this relationship, and I took full responsibility for it. This was freeing.

Take up a spiritual practice.

This is essential in helping you get out of negative relationships. When you feel your energy shifting, you begin to feel stronger and more able. You realize life has different plans for you, and suffering is a choice. As it is said, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Unhealthy attachments create suffering that can be ended.

Don’t blame yourself for everything

Often in these relationships, one person feels guilt, and is always trying to fix it. Remember, everything is not your fault.

Recently, a client looking for breakup recovery discovered that her reactions and feelings of desperation were natural in this toxic relationship. The minute she realized she was not at fault, she felt free of a huge burden. Her partner had convinced her that her behavior led him to be abusive. This is never true.

Reclaim control

Finally, realize you are in control of your destiny. Your life is a series of choices you make, especially in relationships. We need not judge people, but we can choose the energy we allow to flow through our lives. This is the energy we will merge with. Let it be a source of strength and light. Relationships have the potential of revealing us to ourselves. Choose wisely. Does this energy feel right? Do I want to include it in my life?

All relationships come with pain and happiness. If you spend a lot of time feeling incomplete, stressed out, unhappy or exhausted, seek help. You can change your life to flow in the direction you choose. Even if such relationships cannot be ended, we can shift the way we relate and communicate. There are ways to reduce the pain.

About the author: Mansi is a Kolkata-based psychotherapist who works with adults to help them live happier and healthier lives. Find more about her at www.mansi-therpy.com